The Heart of the Matter

Credit: We Heart It

“Where we choose to be, where we choose to be–we have the power to determine that in our lives. We cannot reel time backward or forward, but we can take ourselves to the place that defines our being.”
―     Sena Jeter Naslund,     Ahab’s Wife, or The Star-Gazer

Long I ago I ceased wondering and worrying and feeling ashamed of decisions I had made regarding my life’s choices. Like if I didn’t get married 24+ years ago maybe I could have avoided the heartbreak, abuse and eventual diminishment of myself that the union ultimately gave me. Maybe I would have had a different career, different partner, different house, different community, different friends. Maybe it would have been better?  Really, who cares? I made the right decision at the time ( no one had objected, everyone loved him) and I stayed longer than I should have. Even I don’t know when the right time would have been after so much time has passed. And really, who cares? I have two beautiful, grown sons and a pretty satisfying career as a result of being their mom. I got to raise boys who are becoming contributing members of society as a result of my hard work.

I used to think that I was failure because I became a divorced woman. Like the marriage’s demise was a reflection of my own inability to maintain a commitment. When my father told me that he was proud of my decision to obtain legal help and move out of the relationship while protecting myself, it affirmed that I was doing the right thing. People often said they were sorry that my husband had left. I was not. Really, I did not care.

As time moved on, I was acquiring the abilities to become a more independent woman. I got my Master’s degree in the midst of all the turmoil while still working full-time. I took on my former husband at every obstacle he put in my way. Sometimes they were pebbles. Sometimes they were boulders. But, really who cares? They need to be moved and surmounted on the road I was building to a better life.

Today I stand at a crossroads. I have proven to myself that I can be on my own and very happy. I have made amazing financial decisions that secured my present and I hope my future. I have moved out of the past to the point that it seems like it never existed. I am working on being present in my present life, letting go of things that I cannot control and planning a new life with the man I love.

I would not be writing and living my life if the pain of the past had not occurred. I am grateful to have gotten out of it. My experience-through publicly writing about it here at WordPress- I hope has given others inspiration and the seeds of strength to create their own lives and speak their own truths.

Open your mind. Open your Heart. Speak your mind. Speak from your heart. Live by your instincts. Live your life.

Post inspired by Kellie Elmore’s:

#FWF Free Write Friday: Quote Prompt

15 thoughts on “The Heart of the Matter

  1. I am so happy to hear the positive voice you have with your life now. Sometimes we have those moments that happen that we think are going to break us but they don’t, or they do and we heal. It’s nice to see you’ve healed and are moving forward. thanks for sharing!!!

  2. You opened your heart and soul and in the end you are a strong, intelligent, independent woman who is so much better for having walked through fire and made it who,you are and will be!!! A beautiful piece.

    1. I am glad that you were able to make a connection! If it weren’t for my mother, I would never have met my man. We both are lucky. I have many stories about the struggle and the journey to a new life. I hope you will discover them! 🙂

  3. I so relate to what you’re saying, too.

    While the torment of life is terrible at the time, I choose to see it as the cleansing in the Refiner’s fire ~ the moments that define and shape us depending on our attitudes and willingness to be moulded to our truth. When I think of all the baggage I have shed; all the clarifying and purifying and cleansing I have experienced over the past several years I am grateful for the several wake-up calls that have made it all possible ~ and for the fact that I have paid attention. So many people never have the opportunity or the choice or the desire to change their lives in this way. … Your words resonate with me because in your own way you have taken the same journey and I see that I am not alone. … Be well, Dorothy 🙂

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