A Change in Latititude

On November 1, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn Independent Woman20 Comments

So there I was enjoying the hot Florida sun, languishing with the post race crowd in the cool waters of a pool. I looked over to my left as a fellow runner (whom I met earlier at the race) walked in wearing a Red Sox cap and T-shirt. “Hey, where are you from?”, I shouted to him as he approached the water. I was surprise to learn that he had grown up in a town not too far from where I was currently living. Before I knew it, he had climbed into the pool beside me. An immediate sense of ease came over me as we began what turned into a 2 1/2 hour conversation.

I will spare you the details; they are not important. Suffice it to say that we each felt a shift occur. A connection. Certainly we were not the only ones to witness this event. Fellow runners and my own teenage sons were keen observers as well. My parents -especially my late mother-were thrilled to see me enjoy myself for a change. (I was in the midst of a nasty divorce, feeling drained and lost.) My mother sang this man’s praises later that evening, but I had no expectations. After all, we lived very far from each other and I was still not legally divorced. Her reply was simple: “Well, you never know.”

And that’s right. You never do know. Pivotal changes can be subtle. They can be the beginnings of something new without any tangible or obvious or even immediate changes. In my life, meeting the man I love helped me to return to myself. He did not come into my life to save me-that was up to me. He came into my life for many reasons not the least of which was to show me the profound sense of peace that deep love and commitment can bring.

We have been together nearly five years and will be married in a year and a half. My hard work raising my sons is done. I have given birth to myself once again. I will be moving away from a place that I have known all my life to embrace a newer culture and climate. I have never been more afraid and more ready. Living out loud and truly free with a man who loves me for me.

Many thanks to Kelley Rose for hosting Kellie Elmore’s Free Write Friday this week!

#FWF Free Write Friday: LIFE CHANGERS | with Guest Host Kelley Rose

Say a Little Prayer

On October 11, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn poetry13 Comments

credit: nancytilles.com

My heart needs help

But I was born strong

Natural street fighter

Rough and Tough

Despite my size

Tender with love like my daddy

Mama loves the sweetness

Deep in my soul and prays

That I be made more whole

The world needs to know

Beautiful Baby Khole

This poem is dedicated to Kellie Elmore’s nephew Khole who was born 2 weeks ago with a heart defect. He is undergoing care at Vanderbilt University Hospital in Nashville, TN.

#FWF Free Write Friday: Special Edition #TeamKhole

Gimme Shelter

On September 22, 2013September 22, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn abuse2 Comments

credit: ladysilver2267.deviantart.com

Oh, a storm is threat’ning
My very life today
If I don’t get some shelter
Oh yeah, I’m gonna fade away

~Mick Jagger/Keith Richards

The last time she saw him was when he called her a bitch. It was a dark, late winter evening. She was upstairs, still in her work clothes, installing a new thermostat in her bedroom. Then the doorbell rang. Who could that be?, she wondered. She called out, “Who is it?” as she descended the stairs. Turning on the back light, she saw his profile as she looked out the window.

“What do you want?”, she asked, standing by the kitchen window. “Is Peter home?” he asked. It was their son’s 21st birthday and he was out celebrating with friends. They had already had a surprise party at home the previous Saturday (in fact the mud room door and kitchen were still decorated) so the actual birthday night was a quiet one. She replied that he was not.

“But I have a present for him,” he said.

“Leave it in the back hall,” she said. He grew enraged, tossed it in and loudly spoke his epithet as he left.

She had not realized that she was holding her breath for the entire encounter. She listened for his truck’s departure and quickly called her girlfriend (who offered to come over). Her son had not seen or spoken to his father in over two years. He had grown tired of his ill-treatment after living under his roof for most of his teens and arrived back home on a black February night-his car full of his life.

Since then, family life had resumed a harmonious and healthy rhythm. She and her two children had come to an understanding of the various forms of emotional abuse experienced under her former spouse and their father. They no longer saw themselves as victims. It was as if he did not exist. And because he did not exist, it was as if the abuse had never happened. And because the abuse never happened, it was as if their past life with him had happened to other people.

This is the place at which you eventually arrive with time, help and healing. Emotional and verbal abuse is hard to put a finger on. The former is an invisible fortress built over time by the one in control. The verbal abuse helps fill in the cracks to keep it hidden. Eventually, you become relegated to a cage with your role in the relationship strictly enforced. Through the eyes of the abuser, nothing is ever done right. This includes every aspect of your life and your very being- your career, housework, driving, raising the children, your identity. You never look quite right either. Something is always wrong with your body. Even when pregnant, the snide comments slip out so you are made to feel fat and unattractive. So, no matter how hard she worked to please and keep the peace, he was never satisfied. Any “mistake” was met with either a derogatory remark or stony silence for days. Any attempt to break free of that role and speak her truth was met with “punishment”. The abuse only worsened and became more and more obvious. She eventually learned that her part was simple. Keep her mouth shut and her legs open. Ironically, her wish was not for the relationship to end-only for the abuse to stop.

The implacable mistreatment continues even when the relationship ends. In standing and fighting for the needs of herself and her sons, she was met with false charges of neglect and abuse. He attempted to take away her shelter twice. His goal was to make her “Scratch, Crawl and Suffer.” These words from his mouth only made her more willing to never back down. Each meeting with him during this process was like taking a bath in dirty water. It took days to purge herself of the emotional hangover he wrought.

The abuse had a trickle down effect as it was meted out in various ways on the children. Eventually, they too, separated themselves from him. Self-protection took precedence over the appearance of a normal father-child relationship.

Any contact with the abuser is risky and fraught with anxiety. Even with the absence of physical violence, danger can still be present. Sometimes an unexpected sighting of that person can lead to a physiological reaction. The heart assumes a rapid pace, the mouth becomes arid and the hands become unsteady. The mind races as it seeks a way out.

The universe has a special way of taking care of those of us who choose to move forward. We acknowledge what happened, seek help and eventually forgive. But we never forget. Instead, we embrace life with a renewed sense of optimism, spreading positive energy and good karma to everyone we see.

Love Always

On September 20, 2013September 22, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn Flash fiction13 Comments

Jackson Wedding

He had fallen in love with those dark tresses first, he thought. Something about the way she moved her body as she walked by him set his soul on fire. Her hair moved in rhythm with the sway of her hips. Her skin alabaster white and her eyes endless black pools-lit with a life affirming force. And then she spoke. “I’m new to town and I was wondering if there was a bookstore nearby. My brain is thirsty for words!”

“It’s two blocks down on the right. I can walk you there since it is getting a little dark,” he replied.

They shared the literary world and each other from that moment on. Although friends old and new dismissed their whirlwind romance at first, they soon realized that they were witnessing a lifetime love. So today, on this day, vows and promises were exchanged along with the anticipation of a new life they created from the love and pure passion of one another.

This Friday’s post is brought to you by Kellie Elmore.

#FWF Free Write Friday: Image Prompt

The Bad Penny

On September 15, 2013September 15, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn poetry8 Comments

credit: jellygator.hubpages.com

Sunday morning sunshine

Air alive with early morning briskness

My feet hit the pavement anxious with anticipation

for the quiet of a long run

My heart is bursting with excitement

as my legs move smoothly over the hills

At last at the crest of “The Killer”

I remove a layer

The heat of my arms basking in the high star

The finish is too soon, I think

Arriving home I hear the voices

of loved ones breaking the fast

We are renewing a childhood tradition

In a different incarnation

Grown-up, sharing the ritual

with the girls they love

We are filled with glee

Refreshed, we hit the road

But not before stopping for that cup of joe

And then the reverie is broken

He appears:

AN INTRUDER

INVADER, INFIDEL

INFECTION, INFESTATION

Our blood was once on his hands

We grapple with this infelicitous situation

My heart races and my hands shake

I move away yet stay put

My protectors keeping him at bay

Polite, they speak in superficial tones

Pretending to be mannered

All the while seething at the reminder

of his emotional destructions

At last they come for me

surrounding me as we depart

We breathe deeply

Freed again

Delighted that the orchard awaits our pickings

Sipping and Singing and Celebrating

Moving onward and forward

Knowing our lives are full and empty of him

An Unexpected Present

On August 30, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn Childhood Memories34 Comments

credit: www.polyvore.com

Growing up, Christmas was a big deal in our house. My dad believed in going all out with gifts at this time of year. He grew up in a large family during the Depression. He always remembered not getting what he wanted because money was always tight. The story goes that he vowed that his children would not have the same experience as he did.

Needless to say, the living room in our small ranch house was overflowing with gifts for my brother, mother and me. As I am writing this, I can still picture all the gifts we received over the years. Barbies, kitchen sets, drum sets, guitars, games, clothes, toy guns and helmets (Vietnam loomed large then), bikes ( I actually rode mine in the kitchen while mom was putting the turkey in the oven!). My dad was a huge believer in Santa Claus and insisted that he existed well into our teenage years.

But even though we were spoiled at Christmas, my brother and I never asked for anything outrageous. We were always overjoyed and appreciative of the gifts we received. One year-maybe 1975-my dad asked me if there was something that I wanted for Christmas but probably would not get. I replied that I really wanted a stereo system but knew that they could not afford one. Rock and Roll music and FM radio were in their heyday and it seemed like everyone was listening to their stereos full blast and buying albums that featured the Stones, Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith, among others.

On December 23rd of that year, we were at my Nana and Grandpa’s apartment enjoying our annual roast pork dinner. Nana always made a special meal or shared a Christmas tradition with each of her five children. Our time was always on this date. After dinner, my father asked me to go into the bedroom because Santa had delivered a present to the apartment for my brother and me. Apparently, it was hidden under the bed. I pulled out a long, wrapped and somewhat heavy box. On the tag it said: “To Kim and David From Santa. Do not open until December 25th.” My brother and I were puzzled as to what it could be. Like I said, we had no expectations at all for any big gifts.

When family and friends gathered at our house on Christmas Eve, I told my uncle about the gift. “Don’t open it first,” he said. “Save it for last.” He knew that my dad would be dying to see our faces right away.

We did as he suggested. Together the two of us opened the gift last on Christmas morning. And WOW! We were dumbfounded! An Am/FM stereo system with a turntable and two speakers! Of course, my dad persisted in saying that he and my mother did not purchase it-Santa did.

That stereo stayed with me for many years. In high school, I listened to many of rock’s best albums on it. All of Fleetwood Mac, Jackson Browne, Elton John, The Eagles, Billy Joel, Chicago. I brought it with me to college and blasted Bruce and U2 ( the early 80’s albums-OMG!) and The Clash.

For me the gift symbolizes many things: Rock music at its best, memories of my teenage and college years, but most of all my father’s unconditional love.

This post is brought to you by the venerable Kellie Elmore and her Free Write Friday prompt:

#FWF Free Write Friday: Childhood Gift

Write about your most memorable childhood gift. Was is a Christmas gift? A Birthday gift? Was is something you really wanted or was it a surprise that ended up holding a sentimental place in your heart? What do you remember? How did it make you feel?

Reunion

On August 21, 2013August 21, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn Flash fiction4 Comments

credit: blingee.com

“Arise chosen ones. Prepare for your future.” The booming voice came from a rather small old man dressed in a white suit. In fact, he was completely white with the exception of his piercing blue eyes. “What is it with these blue eyes?” thought Lola. The old man led them from their room to another chamber. Three women, cloaked in white habits awaited them. “Dress them appropriately sisters.”

Lola attempted to make eye contact with them-to see their faces. But the trio’s eyes were riveted to the floor. They appeared to be a silent cloud of nothingness blending into the colorless surroundings of the chamber. At once, they lifted their arms to reveal three white gowns. They held them out to Lola, Tasha and Grace as if they were gifts. In unison, they moved behind them and began to remove their thin slips from their bodies. Then, just as swiftly, the elaborate dresses were erected onto their frames. At least that is what Lola was thinking. She was no more than a mannequin awaiting display in the window of a department store.

But she had to think fast. Find a way to communicate SOMETHING to these mute maids. “ACHOO!” Lola sneezed so loudly and with such drama that the three could not help but look up and reply with the standard “Bless you.”

And in that instant, Lola locked eyes with her missing mother, Adrienne. A woman of prominent stature, full of vigor and light in the days before, during and after the Revolution, Adrienne was not even a shadow of her former self. Her spirit was erased by the abuse she suffered as a prisoner of the Restoration Party. But upon seeing her daughter, she began to feel a bit of hope. For what, she was not sure. Pulling the secret language from the recesses of her brain, she told her daughter snippets of information in the smallest of gestures. Her companions joined with Tasha and Grace.

It was all the six of them could do to control themselves. They had struck gold in terms of moving the plan forward. Lola and her friends discovered Adrienne and her two colleagues were to accompany them to meet the Master. They also discovered that these women had access to all parts of the center because of their status as maids. When they weren’t preparing females for their fate, they could be seen cleaning the Master’s quarters and cooking meals in the vast kitchen. The Master and his councilmen often held elaborate feasts to celebrate any new births that occurred in the Breeding Center or within their own families. These three women were indispensable as chefs for such occasions. It was the only time in their captivity that they could actually speak or give orders. Only females worked in the kitchen and the entire staff was under constant pressure to present a perfect menu. The kitchen was also a training school for women as they were not considered worthy unless they knew how to cook and serve their future husbands.

The kitchen-the place where women belonged of course! But also an epicenter of untapped power. If Lola remembered anything that her mother taught her it was this: Never underestimate the inner strength and tenacity of women. Adrienne’s spiritual core may have been corrupted; but Lola’s arrival was the route to its resurrection.

Just a little reminder that this story is a continuation in my “Lola” series.

Last week’s story was entitled Subjugation and Subordination

Marking Time

On August 16, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn poetry28 Comments

walmart man

photo courtesy of Kellie Elmore

Born through the grace and mercy of the Lord

Workin’ on Papa’s farm since my feet taught me to walk

Mama called me shy, her worried little boy

Happy to plow them fields sunrise to sunset

Got called up at eighteen to kill the commies in ‘Nam

Found myself knee deep in rice paddies

or in jungles lined with mines and leeches

Saw friends lose their limbs and lives

Lost my mind

Drownin’ in the blood left on those hills and in those huts

Red the common color in comrades, babies and women

Numbed my soul in the arms of yellow girls and in bottles of hooch

Got myself hooked on smack when the demons ruled my dreams

When the killin’ was done, they brought me home

Leavin’ me with nothin’ but the ghosts carried home in bags or draped in flags

Papa died while I was gone and Mama sold the farm

Found myself on the streets lookin’ for the next fix

‘Til the shelter took me in and cleaned me up

Spend my days workin’ the soup line and waitin’ for the clinic to open up

Livin’ and dyin’ through the grace and mercy of the Lord

Another great one from Kellie Elmore this week We wrote a story from this image that she posted on Instagram. His name is John. Check others’ out at:

#FWF Free Write Friday: Image Prompt

Leibster Award

On August 5, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn Awards4 Comments

liebster

For those who are unfamiliar with the Liebster Award rules here they are :

1. Thank the blogger who nominated you for the Liebster Award, and link back to his or her blog.

2. Answer the 11 questions that your nominator asks you.

3. Post 11 random facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 11 bloggers of your own, with under 200 followers, whom you think are as awesome as you.

5. Create 11 questions for your nominees.

6. And finally… Display the Liebster Award logo on your page.

11 random facts about me:

1- What made you start blogging the very FIRST time?

I was encouraged to start a blog by my oldest son and my fiance’ in the Winter/Spring of 2012. According to them, I have a way with words! So, I read books on writing (Bird by Bird by Annie Lamott and On Writing by Stephen King), attended a writing symposium for an evening at Eckerd College in St. Petersburg, Florida (hosted by authors Dennis Lehane and Andre Dubus III) and read lots of memoirs. And with the help of my oldest son’s girlfriend, created my blog last August!

2- If you had to go to a deserted island for 3 months, what 5 things would you not be able to live without? Books, paper and pen (I count them as 1 thing!), strong coffee, my sons and my fiance’.

3- What size shoes do you wear? 7.5

4- Do you believe in true love and why? Yes but only when you are happy with yourself first and understand who you are. True love is not the stuff of Lifetime movies. In my experience, I found that it brings me a strong sense of peace and simmering joy. The person you are with understands you on a profound and deep level- your essence.

5- How old should a person really be permitted to drive and explain why? Eighteen! Having two sons get their license at 16 and 17 and seeing how much better they are 3-4 years later makes me think that 18 is just about right. Executive function and the fusing of the pre-frontal lobe in the brain usually occur in boys between the ages of 18-20.

6- What is your favorite meal of the day? I have no favorite actually! I like all 3 meals for various reasons. I am mindful of what I eat (even when it comes to dessert!) so I enjoy every bite of anything that arrives in my bowl or on my plate!

7- If you could control the weather, what would you choose? A day much like today. 77 degrees F. Dry and Sunny with the bluest of blue skies. I mean you cannot believe how brilliant it is out there!

8- If you could eliminate one thing evil in this world, what would that be? All forms of violence, abuse, oppression, suppression and repression towards women. When women are held down, disrespected, or not allowed to have a voice, everyone is held back from moving towards the fullest expression of themselves and towards being a gcontributing citizen of the world.

9- We have animal protection, child protection, should we start having laws protecting elderly persons? Absolutely! We treat our elders as if they are waiting to die rather than a person who has lived a life and deserves dignity and the utmost respect.

10- Have you ever had a speeding ticket and when was that? Never! A warning once but never a ticket.

11- What did you want to be when you were in Grade school? I was too busy playing to even think about it!

Eleven Facts About Myself:

1) I love to run and have been involved in the sport at various levels since I was 11 (that is 41 years with some time off in my 20’s).

2) I love yoga almost as much as running. My mat is always out and I attend hot yoga classes regularly.

3) I love being outside-hiking, mowing, shoveling snow, running, walking-any reason to get out every day.

4) I love good food and I love to eat.

5) I love a good strong cup of coffee in the morning when I wake up.

6) I speak my mind. For years, I forgot how to do that and now I do it all the time!

7) I love being a mom to my twenty-something sons. They turned out to great men thanks to me!

8) I love to write and read. I think the only time I didn’t read a book was when I was giving birth to my sons!

9) I love the beach-no matter what season.

10) I love spending time with my girlfriends.

11) I love training for and running in half-marathons with my fiance’.

Many of the blogs I follow have more than 200 subscribers or have already been awarded a Liebster. So after careful consideration, I am nominating the following wonderful writers:

1) Heidi Barnes at: http://www.anauthorandhermuse.com/: Gifted writer. A joy to read. Check out her books.

2) Annie at ANNIE’S MUSE Love her poetry and her point of view.

3) Charlene whose words really rock! at Brighterdays Blog

4) The lovely and powerful Pink Woods

5) Amazing, suspenseful flash fiction from: Amanda’s Writing

6) Photography, flash fiction, poetry and a newly published book from: Artifacts and Fictions

7) I truly admire Maria’s creative versatility and her love of the outdoors. Check her out @ xxculture

Here are your questions (with 1 or 2 from the ones posed to me)

1) What is one place in the world that you would like to visit?

2) What is your favorite word?

3) What is your least favorite word?

4) If you were to meet someone famous (dead or alive), who would it be and why?

5) What book have you read lately that you would recommend?

6) When was the first time you fell in love?

7) What is your dream job?

8) What job would you least like to do?

9) If you could eliminate one thing evil in this world, what would that be?

10) If you had to go to a deserted island for 3 months, what 5 things would you not be able to live without?

11) What is your favorite time of day and why?

Congratulations Nominees!

Vita da Sogno*

On August 2, 2013 By buildingalifeofhopeIn Flash fiction24 Comments

photo credit: www.huffingtonpost.com

“Philomena! Philomena! Why are you wasting your time chasing a sogno irrealizzable?” Her mama’s falsetto was grating on Philomena’s last nerve. Her passion-sketching, designing and stitching women’s fashion-went against her parent’s wishes to marry Arturo, the local cheese-maker. Her plans did not include an early marriage to a man who smelled of soured milk and curds day and night.

Paris-the city of high couture- was where here heart belonged. She ran to her room and grabbed her sketch pad, charcoals and blanket. She would hide away in the olive grove and create her newest ideas. Almost as an afterthought, she took some spare coins from her dresser. The cinema was debuting a new matinee today. She could not resist the films of Sophia Loren, Brigitte Bardott or Audrey Hepburn.; women of independence and classic, sensual styles.

Philomena raced down the stairs, ignoring her mama’s obvious exasperation (her hands on her hips and her lips in a line). She was all of these women and more-her determination far outweighing the temptation to give in to cumbersome tradition.

*dream life

Once again it is Free Write Friday via Kellie Elmore! I wrote this while at the doctor’s office today. Feeling under the weather-kidney infection! But no matter. Imagination won over discomfort!

Here’s the link: