The Circle of Life

Credit: jonsama.deviantart.com

“For within your flesh, deep within the center of your being, is the undaunted, waiting, longing, all-knowing. Is the ready, able, perfect. Within you, waiting its turn to emerge, piece by piece, with the dawn of every former test of trial and blackness, is the next unfolding, the great unfurling of wings, the re-forged backbone of a true Child of Light.”
Jennifer DeLucy

November has never been a favorite month of mine.  The trees stand black and bare against the steel-gray skies. The wind is brisk and nippy; a coming sign of the season that brings increasing darkness and even despair.

Certainly, I was in the midst of despair five years ago as I engaging in the last breaths of my divorce process-awaiting and preparing for a possible trial date among other dire scenarios.  Knowing I was in absolutely no control of my future, wondering if my relationship with my youngest would ever be as close as it once was, watching myself disappear as I got thinner and thinner by the day. And when it was finally and officially over, I had no chance to come up for air. Within 24 hours of my marriage’s death knell, I received the news that my beloved mother was diagnosed with stage 4b pancreatic cancer.

My world was full of blackness. I was very glad that my marriage was over, no doubt about it.  But the process had taken a serious toll on my soul even before it had gotten underway.  I was definitely an empty vessel in desperate need of refueling. My mother’s prognosis was grim and that news just knocked me out.

For a while, November became-symbolically at least-just a month for me to get through. A year hence, I became seriously ill with the swine flu followed by pneumonia. My mother had succumb to her illness the previous February and my former husband was engaging in a series of violations of our agreement that had led to many court appearances. I was spent.

It would easy to think that my life was a black hole-that each month and each season was November. Not so! Positive shifts, rebirths and renewals were happening simultaneously even during the darkest hours. As I was preparing to legally end my marriage, I discovered a yoga studio. The owners were recalling just last Monday how I was “a mess” when I first walked through their doors. Today  I am more whole because of them. It was also in November that my now fiance’ graced my doorway and my life with his love and unconditional support. And when I was seriously ill, my youngest was also. He rebounded quickly so he became my caretaker and fulfilled his role beautifully.

So the only thing I dread about the seasonal shift is the lack of light and the endless raking. (Well, right now maybe the possibility of having to get a new boiler!) I have learned that moving forward through all of life’s challenges and struggles is the only path to rebirth. I have learned to embrace the dark times, nurture them as a means for renewal. To hold them for a bit and then simply let them go. Their ashes are the seeds for a new life.

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20 thoughts on “The Circle of Life

  1. You have shown us a perfect example of rebirth within a person’s own life. How brave you were to experience the darkest days – and survive. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of your life experience.

  2. What an inspiration your story is! I know exactly what you mean by certain times of the year having that negative effect, but how freeing it is when we push through it to create a new outlook! Thank you so much for this!

  3. Emily

    Wow! Beautiful.
    I was never a fan of bleak November until my daughter was born and brought new light and meaning to the month. I am grateful.

  4. Your words made me cry; your story brought out emotions I have about certain months, the ones that are the hardest to get over and through. I also try to remember the better months when the shifts in my landscape and dreamscape were more positive.
    For reasons too long to include in a comment, I am trying to get back the 1/2 of myself I have lost.
    Your story of despair, rebirth, and happiness is inspiring and gives me hope that the dark months will have some light shone on them.
    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.

    1. The journey back to wholeness is at once difficult and freeing. Full of detours and fits and starts. Battles lost and won. The post is but a snippet of my story but one that I am glad that you have found so inspiring! Have faith in yourself. Love yourself. And always look for the light! 🙂

  5. this was beautifully well written and expressed. Thank you for sharing so much of your story. I really love your testimony of being an overcomer in the darkest of times.

    I’m happy that your life has taken such a wonderful turn toward the positive. See!– the darkness and cold is but a season. I’m so glad that you’ve emerged into the light!

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