The Magic of a Long Run

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One of my favorite parts of the week is Sunday morning. Actually, Sunday mornings when I am training for another half-marathon to be precise.  By the time I have laced up my shoes, I have already mapped out the run in my head. There is a kernel of excitement and an inner energy stirring in my brain. I feel almost twitchy in my muscles (stretched to near perfection from Saturday morning’s 90 minute marathon of hot yoga!).

I am what you call a running purist. I keep things simple. No doodads or hoohas of technology adorn my body. No solid foods for energy boosting during the run. Definitely water, though. I have been known to place water bottles at strategic mile markers along a route as I despise water belts (although I own one and have worn it from time to time) They interfere with my stride, really. I actually prefer a loved one to meet me along the course with liquid refreshment; it’s a great incentive to keep going!

That being said, there are times when I have too many thoughts spinning in my head and demons dominating my domain. Most of the time, a straight-on run with the sounds of nature give me peace. But on the rare occasion when music is a soothing solution, I confiscate my oldest son’s Ipod. You never know what you will find  when you listen, just as you never know how you’ll expect to feel as your feet hit the pavement and pound out mile after mile. The music is the best kind of mix. I can be cruising along and Wyclef Jean will pop on, only to be followed by John Coltrane and then Adele. Seventies rock, Dave Matthews, Lady Gaga, Brad Paisley and Frank Sinatra keep me company on my ever changing route.

On this particular Sunday, I chose a more challenging route than usual.  Of course, the area where I live does not lack for hills but the route I planned has more than its usual share. And to add to the pain, the last 3 miles were essentially uphill!  At times during a run, the most difficult parts of a course can reek havoc on my mental strength- most especially when I feel vulnerable or have a lot on my plate. And this is where my rare use of the Ipod comes in handy.

With 2.5 miles or so to go,  a favorite song of mine came on. Martina McBride’s “Independence Day” is a piece that gives me strength and makes me want to shout out loud.  Although I have not directly experienced the exact situation spoken of in the song, the theme certainly is the same.  The refrain, ‘let freedom ring’ is my anthem! And days or hours or even minutes when the devil of the past pokes me, this song lifts me up. I was so grateful for the timing. I was dog tired with fatigue and I had six more hills to climb. With each refrain, I was able to dig deep, lean in and lift my legs (needless to say, I replayed it!). With a mile to go, the hills were done and so was the Ipod.  The battery gave out just in time and I ran the last mile in perfect peace.

And really, this is all I need. Quiet and room to breathe. A means to slough off the negative energy that invades my spirit sometimes.  I haven’t felt as good on my subsequent runs this week as I did on Sunday, but that is okay. The mornings have been cool and beautiful with the sun rising earlier each minute. The birds serenade my miles.

I think of Sunday and dream of distance.

 

The Road of Regret

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A light rain settled on his windshield

Little droplets of tears resting at eye view

The April morning more like November

Raw, gray, bone seeping dankness

Void of color

Empty of Hope

Unsure of what he was seeking

He came from another place

Driving down Main Street

His truck making a detour back to a life he once knew

A quarter century ago

Half his age plus two now

His mind drifting to the covenant he made

on this same April day

Did he hope to see her?

He pulled into a vacant spot

The rain growing colder

Pelting his windshield

Sharp pieces of pain

He shivered and walked to the storefront of her favorite cafe’

His eyes peeled for the woman who was once his bride

Too late once again

She remained hidden

Traveling another route

Building her new dreams

Forging her own paths

And breathing a life-long sigh

That he didn’t see her pass him right by

 

 

Day 30 of the challenge. Last but not least…

A Self-Portrait in Flowers

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I am no shy wallflower or shrinking violet

No pansy that wilts in the cold

 

Perhaps I am a Daisy:

Spirited and filled with the joyful innocence of a child

 Or Baby’s Breath:

Magnificent and Sublime seeing the beauty in all things

Maybe a Chrysanthemum :

Speaking my  truth and wearing my cape of honesty

 Definitely a Freesia:

Exuding positive energy

 Or Better yet a Gardenia:

Pure joy never postponed

Never a doubt about Gladiolus:

Strength and determination. I wear my sword well!

 My armor-  A Hydrangea:

Resolved to persevere

 A Lavender Chick For Sure:

Gorgeous and fragrant and exotic with the promise of new adventure

 A Magnolia of Steel (of course):

Unrelenting  dignity

Orchid: It makes me sigh:

Always I feel the pull of powerful romantic desire!

Once upon a Time

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What once was daunting is now empowering

What once had me nearly on my knees has given me wings

What once left me stoic in silence has made me loquacious with laughter

What once gave me grief  has given me the gift of profound joy

What once left me shackled, tied to the metaphorical bedpost

has posted bail and declared me innocent and unbound

What once left me invisible has made me someone worth remembering

What once left me feeling lonely and isolated

has made me feel inhabited in my solitude

and a gleeful player on the world’s stage

What Can I Tell You?

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I cannot tell you that it will not hurt

That the psychic pain will sear you

burn you to your very core

I cannot tell you that your body will become a wasteland

that you will look like a refugee from the worst of domestic wars

That you will feel like a starved prisoner

trapped in a situation for which you have no control

I cannot tell you that you will not worry

That every movement will be fraught with fear about your future

That you will be staring down that black hole of endless bills and debt

I cannot tell you that you will not be angry

Foaming and raging at the actions and constant manipulations of the other

That his need for control will feel like another constraint and strangulation

 

I can tell you that the pain will fold itself into the dark corners of your heart

That your body once again will be fertile ground

I can tell you that you will become a citizen of your own nation

a freed captive with a belly full of self-protecting ammunition

I can tell you that every advance will be fueled by your freedom

That the once endless abyss of scarcity will overflow with abundance

 I can tell you that your resentment will replaced by indifference 

that you will be the mistress of your own destiny

and the  queen of your own kingdom

 

The In-Between

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I live in that space between then and when

               I am neither here nor there

Moving out of the now into what was meant to be

  The here having a lesser hold on me, a looser tie

              The there tugging at my heart strings and molding my mind 

      In this middle midst I place myself

                Setting free the old wounds

                    Knowing I have given birth to many new lives

                                                  Pieces of myself

                                      made whole once more

 

Inner Reflection

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Do you ever want to be a stranger somewhere

to walk alone into a crowded cafe’

and be silent and still

lost in your own world? 

Do you ever want to remain anonymous

to sit and lose yourself in daydreams

making up  life stories about the people around you?

Do you ever want to leave your appearance at home

to walk in unadulterated and unadorned freedom?

Do you ever want to cast a long shadow or vaporize into the mist

or become that crystalline air that takes others breath away?

Do you ever want to flow like the tides

to roll gently and smoothly

in and out of your own consciousness?

Do you ever want to let go of the world

its teeming madness and incessant obligations

and offer them over

surrender them

and transform them into silence?

Do you ever want to sit with yourself

peel back the layers of hardness and pain,

allow yourself to soften and ripen,

to be at one with Mother Earth?   

 

Would you reflect the majesty of the galaxies and the glory of the heavens?

Would you capture your essence, the core of your soul?

 

 

She Said, He Said

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How do you know it’s real, she said

When each hello is ripe with anticipation and every goodbye makes you cry, he said

Yes, but what about after that? she said

When each moment feels like its happening for the first time, he said

Yes, but they don’t last, we all know that, she said

Those times are the building blocks for a strong partnership, he said

Oh so you mean what we go back to when we find ourselves settling in? she said

Yes, those reminders of why we fell in love in the first place, he said

Well, with you I always go back babe, she said

Then it must be real, he said

 

 

 

 

 

Journey to the Other Side

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At the time of the dismantling I used to wonder

used to sweat in desperation

used to be ensnared in your endless games of lashing out

 for  punishment of things that I did not do

for the person you thought I was

the one who punished you for her own guilt

At the time of the dismantling

I felt myself wasting away

sick with a loss of control over my own destiny (or so it seemed)

eager with a morbid curiosity about your private transgressions

At the time of the dismantling

I used to wish you would become a stranger to me

someone I would pass by on the street or the airport without notice

someone I would see by chance who didn’t bring me to the brink of madness

At the time of the dismantling

I wish I wouldn’t recognize you

to turn my head in instinct at your unwelcome presence

a witness to your lingering lurking

and latching yourself to people and places where I could be found

 

At the time of the rebuilding

I ceased to wonder

 became refreshed in renewal

no longer trapped, but free in my freedom

At the time of the rebuilding

I felt my self growing

a woman with curves and flesh

the mistress of my destiny

no longer curious but filled with awe at new love found

At the time of the rebuilding

you became unfamiliar

a transient that I passed by with ease

no longer on edge, existing on a different plane

At the time of the rebuilding

I no longer took notice of you

I see you on the street at a distance,

at peace with knowing that the long ago parting happened to someone else

 

Voyage to Nirvana

 

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 You find yourself in the lower level of an old ship. A calendar on the wall says  1682. There is a small window, and the view is nothing but open sea and a setting sun. There is a staircase and you can see daylight at the top…

 

Lydia awoke to the sound of vomiting, the stench of urine and shit and the feeling of her body being buffeted against a rough surface. Her mouth was parched as her tongue scraped across her lips in a feeble attempt to quench her thirst. Her eyes searched for information in a near void of blackness. Straight on, a piece of paper crudely slapped upon wooden beams.  In her blurred vision, she could make out four numbers:1682.  As her eyes adjusted to the low lighting, she realized that she was looking at a calendar. August 7, 1682!

Dazed and out of sorts, she attempted to arise only to be slammed down by a sudden jolt.  Something was not quite right. She stood up once more only to fall over once again. As she tried one final time to upright herself, a phantom hand grabbed her forearm. “Aye, where you going there, Missy?”  Could it be? Was this her former lover disguised as some sort of rag tag sailor out of a pirate movie? God, he was wretched looking. And then she looked at herself.   A gown of some sort corseted at the chest and waist. She was covered in a heavy shawl and her long flowing hair-did she have hair?- was atop her head hidden beneath a bonnet.

This was too weird. Where the hell was she? That tequila sure was strong last night. How many shots did she drink, anyway? As she looked around, there appeared to be others in the “hole” with her. Men, women, children in various states of sleep as well as health.  Then that smarmy voice called out  again .”Come on lovey, give it over a little.”  One hand was at her breast and the other up her dress. But her foot reached the perfect target just in time for another rolling around the room. He screamed and she found herself up against a set of stairs, her head aching. She looked up. Daylight! Lydia mustered all her strength and crawled on all fours to the top.

“Hey, babe. Sounds like you had a rough night at Club 1682. I made your favorite breakfast and some strong coffee. But first let’s get ourselves in that warm bubble bath made just for two.”

 

 

Thanks once again to Kellie Elmore for the Free Write Friday prompt!

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